So let me start off by saying that today is our one month anniversary. I know itapos;s not much at all, but itapos;s a big step for me, considering the fact that I was single for about four or five months before this, and I havenapos;t had a good boyfriend in a VERY long time. Everything is so different now. Joe treats me like any girl would want to be treated. We get along great, and thereapos;s never a moment that I question us as a whole.
Sometimes I question myself, though. I get scared. Joeapos;s never given me a reason not to trust him, and I pray that he never does. In general, I do trust him. I trust him more than anyone Iapos;ve been with in years. Thatapos;s a huge step up for me. Trust is a word that hasnapos;t been in my vocabulary since 2006 or so. Iapos;ve been through so much that itapos;s hard to just give out trust. As the days go by, and as Joe and I get closer, I want to be with him more. I fear more and more that I will lose him due to some other girl. I honestly donapos;t think heapos;d ever intentionally do anything to hurt me. Heapos;s not that type of person. But like I said before, I question myself. No, Iapos;m not saying I would ever cheat. I donapos;t think I ever could- with anyone. Cheating is so heartless, and it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about hurting someone I care so much about.
I do question myself in a sense that Iapos;m not good enough. I know that Iapos;m nothing special. Iapos;m basically your average sixteen year old girl. My family isnapos;t rich, and I have to work hard for the things that I do have. Iapos;ve had my license for two months, and I still donapos;t have a car. Iapos;m average. I have trust issues and I worry more than a mother that has her son go off to war. Maybe thatapos;s a bit exaggerated. I personally donapos;t see anything unique about myself. Lately Iapos;ve been trying to find that one thing that Iapos;m good at. Some people are good at sports, art, music, etc. What am I good at? Someday Iapos;ll know. But until then, Iapos;m just an average girl who goes to a public school, works a minimum wage job, and does unimportant things on the weekends. Iapos;ve yet to find that "something." As much as I say this, though, Joe sees something else in me. Iapos;m not too sure what that is. I just hope that whatever it is, I donapos;t lose it.
This past month has somewhat been a state of bliss for myself. Things got bad for a week or so, around the time that Dan died. That was yesterday, by the way. October 19th is cursed. Two years ago, Daniel Swader died. In 2007, some kid named Nick died that day. And I found out yesterday morning, that some boy named Kyle died this weekend. Iapos;ve pretty much got money on the fact that someone will die next year on October 19, 2009. Thereapos;s no doubt in my mind.
Anyways. Minus the past week, my life has been great. My parents are finally letting me drive their cars until I can get my own. Sure, I can only drive to school, work, and the bank occasionally, but itapos;s better than nothing. Right now, having my license isnapos;t as fun as I thought it would be. It sure is a convenience, though. If they donapos;t want to, my parents donapos;t have to drive me around; I can drive myself.
I got my hair cut yesterday. Itapos;s considerably shorter now. I like it. Itapos;s much easier to manage, and I feel pretty again. I just wanted something different. I also went clothes shopping this weekend. I just felt like I really needed to spoil myself for once. I have this problem. If Iapos;m feeling down, usually buying something makes me happy. Itapos;s not that much of a problem now, but I need to get rid of that habit when I become an adult. I can picture myself spending a lot of money in a mid life crisis.
Saturday Joe and I went to the movies. We went to Dairy Queen, and then saw Eagle Eye. I got grilled cheese, just like the first time we hung out. Eagle Eye is an amazing movie. I recommend seeing it. Youapos;ll enjoy it if you can follow plot lines. It took me a bit longer to understand what was going on, but Iapos;m also not the sharpest tool in the shed. Overall, it was really good.
Today I read someoneapos;s blog about suicide and going to ECMC. I donapos;t know the girl personally, sheapos;s just friends with me on Myspace. Iapos;m sure sheapos;s going through a lot right now. I think sheapos;ll be okay. She reminds me of myself at the end of February. That was a bad time in my life. But I look at myself now, and I love myself and everything in my life. Itapos;s taken a long time, but I believe that eventually that her attitude towards herself will change drastically.
Itapos;s nice to see that Iapos;m not the only one that ever went through a hard time.
What else is there to write about? It appears that Iapos;ve been slacking lately, and I havenapos;t been writing in here as much as I wanted to when I first started this. Well, either way, Iapos;m still writing in it. Sometimes I wish I could reopen my last journal, just to see how much progress Iapos;ve made since February. I know in my heart that Iapos;ve changed so much for the better.
Iapos;m finally happy with who I am.
Once you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is right back up.
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